Allegorical Nonsense

An allegory. Nonsense. Put them together. Okay, not really.

Monday, March 10, 2008

The Kiwi Conspiracy

Now, I'm not one for conspiracy theories.

In general, I tend to believe that even if something were to be true, like that the US government has been covering up contact between the Merovingians and some advanced species which if they're so advanced why don't they learn to speak goddamn English and have proper ambitions like investing in real estate like the rest of us, since the 1960s or so, or like quantum theory or something, it is probably not really all that relevant to my life, and probably not worth investing my time and money in by reading books with names like "From Darkness into Light" or "The Twelfth Dimension" or by talking to people who rarely bathe.

But I have personally broken through a conspiracy theory so powerful, so relevant to my day-to-day life, that I have no choice but to share it with my reading audience. If it means I've got to stop bathing from now on, then so be it. Here it is:

You don't actually need to peel kiwi fruit in order to eat it.

That's correct, ladies and gentlemen. All those years that they told you that to eat the kiwi fruit, you had to cut it in half and try to scoop out the flesh with a spoon, perhaps inexpertly try to peel it with a knife, all in all making a big mess of yourself and the bed*, all those years were wasted years, ladies and gentlemen.

Once you realise that you can actually eat the skin of the kiwi fruit, in a manner similar to, say, an apple, as opposed to, say, an orange, be prepared for your life to change dramatically. You will be, on the whole, more cheerful, less frustrated at peeling, and far more likely to be dated by a Hollywood celebrity.

Having said that, I've got to say that my tongue does feel a bit furry from the experience ...

* Note: I strongly advise not eating fruit in bed. What would the wife say when she comes home to find the bedsheets discoloured with a sticky discharge? Clearly a recipe for disaster.