Fundamental Truth

I just realised a fundamental truth that has somehow eluded me until now, and it is this: At any given time, there is a limited amount of money in the world*. Meaning that if I want money, I need to get it from someone else. There are several ways of going about this. There are people who try to get a few people with a lot of money to give them some, particularly at the same time as the people who they are getting money from are getting money from other people. These include the professionals of this world - lawyers, accountants, engineers. There are people who try to get lots of people with a little bit of money to give them some, particularly at the same time as the people who they are getting money from are getting enjoyment. These include the retailers of this world, the coffee shops, the supermarkets, the door to door salesmen. There are people who try to get people with a little bit more money to give them a little bit more, and end up also getting people who don't have quite enough money to give them a little bit more, particularly at the same time as the people who they are getting money from are living some kind of dream. These are the luxury good suppliers, the car manufacturers, the fancy restaurants, the brand label clothing retailers, the niche marketers, the addiction sellers. There are people who try to be everything to everyone, and often those people fail (apparently). There are also people who tell people lies in order to get money from those people, and often those people end up in gaol, or incredibly wealthy, or both. And then there are people who don't try to get people to give them money, and wait for people to come to them to give them money. The problem with these people is that it is fundamentally difficult to convince someone that you and they will both get more happiness by them giving you their money, since people will generally feel their own emotions more strongly than yours. It takes effort to do this. Sometimes the effort is not worth the yield. But often it is, and you just don't realise it because you missed something, like the fundamental truth that there is a limited amount of money.

* Let's keep on the side the idea of "printing money" (which governments can apparently do but not really) and "creating wealth", which I'm not even sure if it exists (probably it does but it's difficult to sort the truth from the propaganda).

Infrequently Asked Questions

From the Heathrow Airport Security FAQ :

We are transferring bone marrow and stem cells out of the country – can we carry in our hand luggage?

The Anthony Nolan Trust should be notified and they in turn should Fax the details to security.

I need to carry a liquid wig spray. Can I have this in my hand luggage?

You may if the spray has been prescribed by a doctor and your can show your prescription and this matches the pharmaceutical description of the product.

Remarkable.

If you only read one post this year ...

If you only read one post this year, make it ... oh God I can't handle the pressure! No, don't make it this one! Read another one somewhere else somebody else's blog something on the other side of the world wide web it's a big web there's got to be plenty of other things that you should read just please don't make it this post I don't want the responsibility I can't handle it!

But if you've already read that post, and you want to read another one, then stop over, I'll find you something nice, do you a good deal, you my friend I like you very much I give you good price please, come sit, have cup tea and look at my extensive array of alarm clocks.

Breaking News

Pluto has lost its status as a planet (http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/5282440.stm) in a stunning blow not only to discoverer Clyde Tombaugh but to mnemonic-makers worldwide, who now have to contend with the question of what My Very Earnest Mother Just Shows Us now. My own, personal suggestion is "My Very Earnest Mother ... Just Shut Up Now". I invite others to propose their solutions also.

Avoid Inhaling Lime Dust

I have a very serious question for anyone who can help me. I was reading about how to pickle cucumbers (just curious - it somehow came out of a page in Amos Oz's "A Tale of Love and Darkness" - I'm still not quite sure how) at http://hgic.clemson.edu/factsheets/HGIC3420.htm, and came across the stern admonition:

CAUTION: Avoid inhaling lime dust while mixing the lime-water solution.

Can someone tell me what happens if you inhale lime dust while mixing a lime-water solution? Is it hazardous to your health? If so, who would have thought that preparing such a mundane (albeit tasty) accompaniment to a hearty meal of borscht and noodles could endanger hard-working people's lives so? I really think that this is one of the more urgent and pressing issues confronting our world today.

Okay, that was a joke. I don't really think.

Good night.

Retiling the bathroom

So I finally got off my e-ass (I like to think of it as the slow version of e-mule), and checked out some other people's blogs. And you know what I found out? Whereas in the past, the only way I would see someone else's blog was by clicking on a likely sounding "Random Blog" on the homepage of Blogspot.com (and finding out that it sounded likely because it was crap), I started looking at the blogs that my friends link to on their blogs, and so on and so on. What I realised was: (i) that it took me a few seconds to figure out how to say "and so on and so on". What came to mind was: "וכן הלאה וכן הלאה", which I think really says something about priming and neurocognition and the like; and (ii) that there are actually some blogs out there that I can really get into, and some people with genuine feelings and a lack of embarrassment about expressing them. And that's really nice. Oh, and (iii) I figured out that I've started to number things in lists like a lawyer. You know, Roman numerals. Semicolons. I burnt my finger the other day. Classic product liability case. In a sense, I'm disappointed I didn't get more injured so that I could sue the Chinese manufacturer of that quality sparkler which I lit on the stove and burst into flame. Can you get punitive damages in China? I like the idea. Punish people for being careless. In fact, I think it is worthwhile applying the idea to everyday life. Spill over a glass of water? Get a punch in the face! That'll teach you for next time. And if you don't learn, up the punishment until you do! All those shlemiels and shlimazels out there have got another think coming. Okay, I'm starting to talk like a hillbilly. I think it's time to pop my blister and let out a little blister fluid. It's been a pleasure sharing with you.
Daniel

Bartleby, the Scrivener

I was just reading through a post I made a while back, entitled "Why Internet Books Will Never Succeed" (how's that for cross-promotion? okay, not so good since this is the same medium) and I realised that it could leave the gentle reader with the mistaken impression that I had not, in the end, read the short story entitled "Bartleby, the Scrivener" by Herman Melville. In order to correct this terrible misconception (if the reader weren't quite so gentle, I wouldn't feel quite so bad), I must point out that I did, in fact, read the story. And it was incredible.

Seriously. I highly recommend it. And I take back all I said about why people won't read internet books. Intellectual curiosity and all that. Marketplace of ideas, and its ilk. Monty Python, and its elk. In fact, I would put it up there with "Of Mice and Men" in my "top short stories of all time" list, if one were to exist. Which it does not. Sorry, Herman. But really, you started it, having a name like Herman. Hehe, Herman. You kind of had to be an author with a name like that, didn't you? Surely you couldn't have had any friends. You were probably like the kid in "The Neverending Story" - running away from the bullies and hiding in an attic somewhere and writing your books. Except that the kid in "The Neverending Story" was reading a book. Whatever. Don't contradict me, Herman.

Why Internet Books Will Never Succeed

So I was checking my Gmail just before, and you know how there are those links at the top of the page? "Funny quote of the day", "Useless but oddly attractive information from Yahoo! Answers", "Random-seeming advertisement actually connected to the text of your emails using Adsense or some such technology"? Regardless, I clicked on one of them, and somehow found my way to "Bartleby.com". And I thought, "How is it, that a site whose name seems to be something to do with the Devil in Christian folk mythology (A note for the curious: Please do not assume that I know too much about Christian folk mythology - or anything else, for that matter. All I know I learned from popular culture, so if the movie "Dogma" erred on the above point, I am willing to take back the assertion) occupies itself with the publication of literature (presumably literature over which the copyright has expired, hence why there seem to be so many books which were popular in the United States in the early 1900s but not so many books that I seem to have ever read) on the Internet?" So I looked around for the "About" link or something like it, and came to a welcome message in which I was informed that the name comes from a book of the same title by Herman Melville ("Bartleby, the Scrivener: A Story of Wall-street [sic]", to be precise). So the next question was: "Will I read this book on the Internet?"

Which is how we arrive at the topic of this post: "Why Internet Books Will Never Succeed".

First of all, I should explain why this post will never succeed, and I must say that not only does the title sound like the title of an evangelistic blogger who, in his own mind, knows everything and has finally found the medium to express that omniscience to the world, but the fact that every word in the title is a capital only serves to deepen the dagger-gash in the flesh of success, that fleeting messenger-god. Shit, I got to go a bit lighter on the drugs.

Anyway, Internet books. My main contention (really, my only reason for thinking of writing this post) is that Internet books will never succeed because they do not assist boys in picking up girls. A little bit disconnected, I hear you think, but here goes.

All my life (okay, all my life prior to being in a loving relationship with my fiancee), whenever I was in a public place reading a book, it was always my fantasy that someone of the female gender would approach me and say something like: "Wow, that's a book ... [irrelevant conversation for whatever length of time] ... Would you like to sleep with me?"

And I'm convinced that every single member of the male population of the world who has ever read a book in a public place, has done so for the exact same reason. I am unwilling to place any bets on the effectiveness of this picking-up strategy - like many picking-up strategies, I am almost certain that the low level of result far from justifies the enthusiasm with which the strategy is pursued by any given man or men as a gender - however I'm certain it exists.

And it's just impossible to do that with Internet books. Even if you could read it in public (let's say you owned one of those snazzy little "Palm Pilots" (which, by the way, always sounded to me like a euphemism for "a person who masturbates very often/very quickly")) there would be no way for anyone of the opposite gender to know that you were reading a book (and thence commence with those fateful words "Wow, that's a book ...")

Instead, they would probably think that you were just playing Donkey Kong with the beeping sounds switched off, like some little kid. And who wants that?

Do you ever?

Do you ever get the feeling, when you're driving home, and it's late at night, and you know you're tired but you're pretty sure you're awake enough to be able to make it home - that maybe, you've actually fallen asleep on the road and that you're dreaming the fact that you're driving? Now that I think of it, there are two parts to that. First, the chance that you could be dreaming that you're driving. Second, the chance that while you're doing that dreaming, you're also actually driving.

No? You don't?

Oh, me neither.